


All I’m Getting From You Is... Pain

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, M/M, Season/Series 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 06:59:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17544884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Sam smiled at Patience. “At least Cas won’t have to worry, right? The last psychic we saw said Cas’ mind was just colours.”Cas shrugs ruefully as Patience looks at him, but the smile slides from her face and she winces.“No, Jack’s mind is all colours. All I’m getting from Cas is... pain.”Based on the episode where a psychic only got colours from Cas, what would Patience see if she read Cas’ mind while he’s still worrying about his deal with the Empty?





	All I’m Getting From You Is... Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little coda to Season 14, handling how Cas is coping with the Deal he made with the Empty (hint: not very well)

The deal he made with the Empty hangs over Cas’ head. They’ve got Dean back, Michael is still safely locked away, and Cas should be happy but... he can’t be. He knows Dean loves him, the hunter still hasn’t explicitly said it, they still haven’t touched the way Cas wants them too, but he can feel it.   
It should be enough for him, but it isn’t. Every time Dean smiles at him, leaves his hand on Cas’ shoulder just a little too long, or sits so close that their knees touch Cas’ entire being just... aches. It aches with longing, with the urge to just reach out and take what he’s so sure Dean is finally willing to give him. But if he does, it might be the last time he ever sees the hunter again. Because the Empty said they’d come for him when he’s at his happiest, and he can’t imagine anything better than finally getting to be with Dean.  
So he pushes the feeling down, restrains his traitorous fingers from reaching out and taking what he knows will make him happier than anything. It works - sort of. He spends a lot of time with Sam and he knows Dean is wondering what he’s done to make Cas keep his distance – which is just a whole new level of hurt on top of everything else - but it works. Until Sam announces he’s had a phone call from Jody and they’re all going to stay with her for the weekend. So they pack up the Impala and the four of them - Jack, Sam, Dean and him - head down to Sioux Falls.  
The journey itself is pleasant enough, made simultaneously better and worse by Sam saying he wants to sit in the back so he and Jack can talk about some book Cas has never heard of. It means Cas gets to sit up front with Dean and pick the tapes that will annoy Sam the most, but it also means he’s so close he can smell Dean’s cologne and frankly, it’s nearly impossible to keep his hands to himself. So it’s a relief when they get to Sioux Falls and they all pile out into the fresh air, where Jody is waiting for them.  
“Hey guys, how was the trip? Alex is still at the hospital, but Patience is here and Claire is skulking about the house somewhere.”, she says with a grin before pulling each of them into tight hugs. Patience looks equally happy to see them, but not as happy as Dean when she hands him a beer unprompted.  
“How did you know I wanted one?”, Dean asks and she smiles proudly.  
“I’ve been working on mind reading.”, she says.  
Sam huffs, sounding impressed. “That’s great Patience!”  
“I know right? Don’t worry it’s not everyone, Dean’s just really loud.”, she says and they all laugh. Cas knows from personal experience that some of Dean’s thoughts really are almost deafening sometimes and he feels sorry for her.  
Sam nudges her. “Well that’s good to know, at least Cas won’t have to worry, right? The last psychic we saw said Cas’ mind was just colours.”  
Cas shrugs ruefully as Patience looks at him, but the smile slides from her face and she winces.  
“No, Jack’s mind is all colours. All I’m getting from Cas is... pain.”  
They all turn to look at him almost simultaneously, but all Cas can focus on is the look on Dean’s face, the utter devastation evident in his green eyes. He thinks it’s his fault, and what can Cas say to persuade him he’s wrong without telling him about his deal? Jack is looking at him too, his young eyes mournful and Cas knows he wants him to tell them all, but he can’t be there when they find out. So he turns on his heel and leaves.

The front door slams behind him and he’s never wished so much that his wings weren’t burnt, broken, and useless. He just starts walking, not quite sure where he’s going, eventually ending up in a park.  
He takes a seat on a bench similar to the one he’d sat on with Dean what seems like centuries ago, when he’d first confessed his doubts about heaven, when he’d first started have faith in the righteous man.  
He’s not sure how long he sits there, but it doesn’t surprise him when he hears leaves crunching under boots behind him.  
“You tracked my phone, I suppose?”, he asks.  
“Dean did. He’s worried.”, Claire says, taking a seat beside him.  
Cas nods. “I’m surprised he isn’t here himself.”, he says quietly.  
Claire snorts. “Oh he is, he’s waiting in the parking lot. I told him to let me speak to you first.”  
“Can’t believe he agreed to that.”  
“Cas.”, she sighs. “Is that really what you think we should be talking about?”  
Cas scrubs his hands across his face. He feel so tired. “Jack told you all then? About my deal?”  
“Why did you do it Cas?”, she asks and she sounds sad and scared. When he looks up at her, he sees her face is make-up free and she looks younger than she has in years.  
He sighs. “There was no other way, the Empty was going to take Jack and... we need him, he’s not even been alive for 2 years. He deserves to live a good life – a long life.“  
Claire scowls, looking more like herself. “What and you don’t?”  
“I’ve had my chance Claire, and what have I done with it? I’ve failed again and again at everything I’ve done. I deserve this.”, he says, a little angry now. He doesn’t need her here telling him that he should never have made the deal, it’s too late for that now. He’s already prolonging the inevitable by not letting himself be with dean. What good is talking about it going to do, except foster resentment, which admittedly, he kind of deserves.  
“You don’t deserve this! Jesus Cas, I thought Dean was the one with the martyr complex!” She’s yelling now. Fear makes you angry, he knows this, but he wishes she’d stop.  
“Claire stop, I’m dragging this out as long as I can alright?”  
She gapes at him, then her face twists in understanding. “Oh my god. You know what it is, don’t you? You know what will make you happy enough for the Empty to come for you!”   
He stares at her. This is more than he was willing to admit, but at least she doesn’t know what exactly it is, doesn’t know the depths of his despair.  
“It’s Dean isn’t it?”, she says and Cas’ stomach drops. “It is!”  
She somehow looks even angrier now, so he decides to go on the offensive. “What do you want me to say Claire? Of course it’s Dean, it’s always been Dean!” Claire looks like she regrets pushing him, but now he’s started, he’s not sure he can stop. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m never more than a few feet away from what makes me happiest, that all I can think about, day and night, is how much I love him, how much I want to be with him! But I can never have him because the minute I do, the empty will come for me and I’ll never even get to see him again!”  
Claire puts a gentle hand on his knee. “Oh Cas, I’m sorry.”  
He shakes his head, furiously swiping at the tears that have started running down his face. “Just go Claire, and take Dean with you. He doesn’t need to see this.”  
“Bit late for that, buddy.”, a familiar voice says from behind him and then Dean is walking around to sit on his other side. Cas’ stomach twists unhappily and Claire looks nervous. “You took too long, couldn’t wait any longer.” Dean tells her with a shrug, before tossing her his car keys. “Go wait in Baby.” She nods and starts trudging away across the park. “Don’t mess with any of my seat settings!”, he calls after her and she flips him off.  
Cas stares down at his hands in an attempt to pretend he’s not going to have to have this conversation, but despite everything he is very aware of Dean sliding up the bench until their sides are pressed together, shoulder to knee. Cas is about to speak, to apologise maybe, when Dean reaches out and grabs one of his hands, interlocking their fingers.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”, he asks, his thumb lightly rubbing across the back of Cas’ hand. Cas shivers at the sensation and shrugs.  
“I guess I didn’t know how. I knew you’d be angry and I didn’t want the rest of... my time with you to be tainted.”, he says quietly and Dean sighs.  
“You’re right, I would’ve been angry. Because I thought we were past making secret deals.” He doesn’t sound that angry though and it makes Cas feel a little better.  
He turns to look at Dean and finds the hunter already staring right back at him. “I’m sorry Dean, I just... I had to save Jack. The empty was going to take him and I just couldn’t let him go to that place!” He can feel his eyes stinging with unshed tears and then Dean’s free hand is moving to his face, cupping his jaw. “Dean.”, he says quietly and the other man shakes his head.  
“Shh Cas.”, he says, looking almost as scared as Cas feels. “Just.... please tell me. What you said to Claire? Is it true?”  
Cas tries to look away, but Dean’s grasp on his chin holds him steady, so he just nods slowly.  
Dean seems to sag a little, the tension leaving his body and he starts to lean in.  
Cas puts a gentle hand on his chest to stop him. “Dean we can’t. Didn’t you hear what I was saying to Claire? This - us- is all I’ve ever wanted and the minute I have it, it’ll come for me. So please... I love you, I do. But I need you to go... or, or I’ll go. Maybe that will be better, because if I stay here much longer I don’t think I’ll be able to leave.”  
Dean lets go of his hand and Cas prepares himself for the hunter to get up and leave, instead Dean grabs him by the back of the neck and pulls him in for a searing kiss. Cas gasps and Dean takes the opportunity to push his tongue in between his lips, licking into his mouth. Cas melts into. Just one moment, he thinks, just one moment with Dean and then that’s it. He’s too scared to be truly happy, but he comes pretty close.  
They break apart and his heart aches with how much he loves Dean in that moment, his lips pink and green eyes wide in astonishment.  
“Cas.”, he breathes and tries to pull the angel towards him again. Cas shakes his head.  
“No Dean, I… we can’t. No more, please.” He stands and starts to move away, but Dean grabs a hold of his waist pulling him towards him again. It’s almost like he’s on his knees begging.  
“Cas please stay. Stay with me. I’m not going to let it take you. Sam’s already looking up ways to hide you to stop it coming for you, to stop it coming to the bunker. We’ll figure it out together, okay? But…”  
Cas looks down at him. “But what, Dean? Do you really think you can save me from… a cosmic entity?”  
Dean tightens his grip dragging Cas towards him until his face is pressed to Cas’ shirt. He presses a kiss to the fabric, then looks back up at him. “I’ve killed Death, I’d kill a cosmic entity for you. I’d do anything for you, for us, so we can even have an us.”  
Cas’ breath hitches and his hands are shaking as he reaches out to caress Dean’s face. “I’m scared, Dean.”  
Dean nods, turning his face to press another kiss to Cas’ hand. “I know sweetheart, it’ll be okay. I’m not letting you go.” Dean gets to his feet and pulls Cas in for a proper kiss. “Promise you’ll let yourself have this? I need you Cas, more than anything.”  
Cas stares at him, the golden freckles on his nose and his expressive green eyes. He doesn’t know how he could ever say no to him, how he ever managed to in the past.  
“You promise?”, Dean asks again.  
Cas nods. “Yes”  
“Yeah?” Dean’s smiling.  
Cas smiles back. “Yeah.”  
Dean leans in to kiss him again and this time Cas goes with it, pressing himself ever and ever closer to the other man. “I love you.”, he gasps against Dean’s mouth.  
“I know baby, me too.”, Dean says softly, in between kisses. “I love you. So much.”  
Eventually they stop, although Cas can’t bring himself to let go of Dean – who seems to be faring similarly – so they’re just sort of standing there, clutching each other like it’s the only thing keeping them alive.  
“We should go back. The others are worried.”, Dean says quietly and Cas nods, but neither of them move. Dean laughs and grabs Cas’ hand, pulling him through the park and to the Impala where Claire is lounging in the back seat, music from her phone blaring loudly.  
“Everything okay, old man?”, she asks and Dean flips her off, but her eyes flick down, taking in their clasped hands and she grins.  
“Shut up, brat.”, Dean says. There’s no heat behind it, but Cas frowns at him reproachfully anyway. Dean just plants a kiss on his cheek, making Claire fake gag.  
“Hurry up you two, I want to be back home before dinner.”, she says as they take their seats in the car.  
Dean starts the car, reaching out to hold Cas’ hand across the seat. They don’t talk on the short drive back, but Cas can feel Claire watching him.  
When they get to Jody’s, everyone is already at the table, but beyond Sam giving them a nod and Jack smiling tentatively, nobody comments on their absence. Sam and Jack chatter away with the girls, Alex having just finished her shift, so Cas focusses on eating his dinner.   
That is until he feels Dean’s foot rubbing up and down his leg. He looks across at the hunter who is steadfastly eating his steak as if his foot weren’t currently moving in between Cas’ thighs.  
Cas is sure if he were a little more angel, there wouldn’t currently be a blush creeping up his neck and face. Dean’s got a little smirk on his lips and Cas is considering flinging his peas at him to make him stop, because his trousers are getting uncomfortably tight.  
He thankfully doesn’t have to resort to vegetable warfare, because Patience drops her cutlery with a clatter, her face flushing.  
Jody frowns at her. “Are you okay, Patience?”  
Patience nods. “Yeah. No. I just. Dean your thoughts are really loud!”  
Everyone turns to look at their end of the table and Cas sees Sam’s eyes narrow as he takes in the slightly guilty look on Dean’s face and the way Cas is blushing.  
“Oh god.”, he groans. “Really Dean? At the table?”  
Dean scowls at his brother. “Shut up, Sammy.”  
Claire is grinning and Jack looks adorably confused, glancing between Cas and Dean with consternation.  
Jody fixes Dean with a stern look, although Cas can see the corners of her mouth twitching in humour. “Now boys, no hankypanky at the table.”  
Dean looks down at his plate, red faced and Claire cackles. “Maybe you two should stay at a hotel tonight, so you don’t scar poor Patience.”, she says with a grin.  
Cas feels himself flush again as he hears the others laughing. Dean nudges his foot under the table and he looks up to see the hunter grinning at him.  
“Maybe we should, huh Cas? Have some alone time?” He winks and Cas offers him a smile.  
“Maybe we should.”  
They must stare at each other a moment to long, because Sam clears his throat loudly a couple of times, before speaking.  
“If you do go, Cas, take this with you.”, he hands him a leather string with a rough, handmade wooden pendant hanging off it. There are tiny symbols scratched into the wood, none of which Cas recognises. “I uh, I called Rowena. The Empty only goes for angels right? So this should make you look like a human – at least until we figure out a way to get you out of that deal.”  
“Sam… this. Thank you.”, Cas says and Sam shrugs.  
“Anything for my brother’s boyfriend.”, he says nonchalantly, making Dean choke on the potato he’d just shovelled into his mouth. Sam rolls his eyes. “What, you two can walk about holding hands and play footsie under the table, but I can’t call him your boyfriend?”  
Dean scowls, but immediately grins when Cas gives him a taste of his own medicine, running his foot up the inside of his leg. Patience squeaks again and Cas immediately pulls his foot down.  
“That’s it, the two of you go find a hotel!”, Jody says, pointing at the door. “Stop traumatising Patience.”  
Dean grins, getting to his feet. “C’mon sweetheart, I know when I’m not wanted.” He tugs Cas away from the table, shouting a goodbye over his shoulder.  
When they’re in the car, Cas frowns at him. “Dean what were you thinking of to make Patience so upset?”  
Dean snorts a laugh, then fixes him with a seductive stare. “How about we get to that hotel and I’ll show you.”, he says in low voice, and Cas feels his whole body flood with heat as Dean starts the car and pulls out of the driveway.  
They settle into comfortable silence as they drive, keeping their eyes open for a relatively decent looking hotel.  
“Dean?”, Cas asks eventually.  
Dean tears his eyes from the road to look over at him. “What’s up?”  
Cas’ hands twist in his lap. “I just.. are you sure about this? If Sam’s pendant doesn’t work, and the Empty comes for me… it could hurt you.”  
Dean nods. “I know, but I have faith – maybe for the first time in my life. You’ll be okay. And if the Empty wants to get you, it can go through me first.”

When they get to a hotel, a smallish wooden building on the edge of town, it’s just starting to get dark. The receptionist is bored looking teenage girl who only looks up from her phone long enough to swipe Dean’s card and toss them a key.  
When they get to the room, Cas’ breathing has quickened and he’s starting to sweat.  
He sinks onto the large bed and Dean comes over to sit beside him. He takes Cas’ hand and nuzzles his face into the side of Cas’ neck.  
“Are you okay?”, he asks quietly.  
Cas nods. “Yeah, if you’re sure that you want to… risk this.”  
Dean strokes his lower back. “Cas. I want everything with you and I would risk anything for it.”  
“You would?”, Cas asks, a little astonished by how much Dean is trusting him.  
Dean smiles softly. “Yeah, I would.”  
Cas nods. “Okay.”, he whispers, before lunging forward to press his mouth to Dean’s in a desperate kiss.  
Dean returns it eagerly, wrapping his arms around Cas’ neck, and pulling him closer and closer until he’s basically straddling the hunter. For a while all they do is kiss and kiss and kiss until Cas thinks he may go mad from it. Then Dean’s tugging at his shirt, urging him to take it off. He scoots off Dean’s lap, standing in order to unbutton his shirt and and open his trousers. His breath hitches when he looks over to see Dean sitting on the edge of the bed, not a stitch of clothing on him.  
“You coming back here, or what?”, the hunter asks and Cas pulls off his trousers and underwear as quickly as he can, stumbling back over to the bed, completely naked except for the pendant he now wears around his neck.   
It’s like he can’t get close enough to Dean, can’t get enough of his touch. No matter how much Dean kisses and caresses him, Cas wants more. When Dean is finally inside him, moving and panting and making pleasure spark up and down his spine, all he wants is more, for him to be closer.   
Dean’s face when he comes is what pushes Cas over the edge and he smothers his shout in Dean’s neck. Dean strokes his sweaty hair and presses kisses to his forehead. “Happy?”, the hunter asks him.  
Cas grins “Undoubtedly.” In that moment, he truly is.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this and didn’t think it was too terrible!  
> Thank you for reading and yes, How The Light Gets In will be updated soon, I promise! Xxx


End file.
